An Apology....

I see her mentioning him in each word coming from her heart...

Whenever I have seen those feeling in him, they were for her..............

There is a mail in his inbox, an apology, saying 'I am sorry for what I did...'

He is happy to see that, showed me as well that finally she realised.... I knew she isn't bad, it was just because of the moment....

When last time you came to me with tears in your eyes, they were for her...

You do a lot to prove that she is no more in your thoughts or around you, but everything you expect, I see in her....

Whenever she mentions you, its always a 'Thank You' and the most special person, who will always remain close to her... in thoughts or actions... or dreams....

Whenever you mention the best moment of your life, its always with her....

It just makes me think, " Do I owe a APOLOGY????"

Quote...

“I'm selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best.” 
― Marilyn Monroe

Superstitions....

We grew up hearing lot of things, which though feels stupid but we still follow them...
When we are going out and a black cat crosses your  way, WAIT,
if someone sneezes, when you are going out.. WAIT
when some one is going out don't take the names like 'oil', 'achaar' etc..

I heard some of them since childhood, even followed them sometime without even giving a thought.. eating curd before going for exams, or saying 'dahi-machli'
Don't know what this combination is... it just means 'Best of Luck'.

So many superstitions that we follow in our daily life,
I think its okay to follow them till its not affecting anything, for good or bad, I am really not sure...
Seen some time back on television, people throw there newborns from a height in a mosque for getting God's blessings... People just follow it, without thinking what will happen if the person standing below is not able to catch your child..

Its good to think about Almighty, but why to blame him for anything thats just in your mind...

I woke up one morning and as it happens most of the time, started sneezing the moment I got off my bed... It was my holiday, and my hubby was ready to go to office. I didn't know that my sneezing is effecting him anyway.. A little later he said, 'stop sneezing, so that I can make my way to office' and I can't do anything else but 'Aaaaaaaa cheeeeeeeeeeeeeee...    ooopppsss....' and a laughter...

one more incident that catches my mind.. In modern India its a normal thing to call your hubby by his name, while its totally out of question for the older generation..
As we had a love marriage, its nomal for me to call him by his name.. after marriage we went to someone's home and there was a good discussion with a jest that husband's life reduces when you call him by his name, and my Mom approved to it saying that she has never called his sons by their name because of the same reason.. I was not quite aware of the discussion and came out of room calling my hubby dears name...... My husband still laughs narrating it to everyone....
It brings a thought to my mind, I can understand a reason that earlier husbands' used to be quite older to wives, therefore as a matter of respect you don't used to call him by his name...
but if you say that it reduces the husband's life, I have a question why does it not happen with wives... probably you are making efforts since ages to reduce your wife's life....
Stop givng man all these priviledges :P

Superstitions are just in your mind, there are days, numbers or moments that becomes your lucky numbers..
I dont say dont follow them, but don't let them RULE YOU....

Own your actions, instead of blaming someone else................

Maa..........

Its always a peaceful and sacred moment for me seeing the statue of Mother Mary holding Christ. I could stand there for hours just seeing the love of a Mother for her child. The statue always  gives a very sacred feeling..

Maa, this word in itself means........ a word of love, trust, confidence, respect....

This is one relation which has just Love....

I remember that day in the tube, heard a voice 'Go go go go goooo....' I turned around and saw a Mumma guiding her 3 babies in the crowd. The confidence on her face just says it all, and her 3 chickens were just listening that 1 voice amongst the great chaos in the tube... Just loved that expression on her face taking care of her  babies...

Whenever I recall any of my childhood memories its always has one person that I see holding trust in whatever we were doing. Not sure if that confidence just comes with the motherhood. standing for your children, trusting them guiding them, as and when required.. Maa, my Maa still I could not see anyone replacing her. Her love, just putting your head in her lap gives you soo much of peace, relieves you of all the stress and tension. Seems that could be the best place I could ever think of, miss it soo much sometimes..

A child always goes back to her Mother, though she has scolded her.. she cries but its just her Mom who can bring her back to peace...

Seen her soo many times.. That warm hug that Mishu gives to Di, could not equivalent for her love for anyone else... 

Whenever I think of my next step in life, I always think if I could have soo much..

Being a Mom is not just giving birth, it means owning a life.. A life for which you are the ultimate trust..

Can I have that confidence taking care of my ANSH....

I really have lots of questions... I know the answers can only be the motherhood.... seeing my part in my lap.... Will he/she be able to see that peace and trust in me...

Maa I really miss you searching for lots of these answers..

Love you alot....

Someone....

Never seen her or met her...
but she has been a part of my life since really long....
for the first time when i heard her it was a 'Hello'... a cheerful voice...'helllloooo'
I liked her.....

I chose to make her a part of my life..
chosen to take decisions personifying her,
been at her place seldom times, not doing justice to myself...
but always felt that its justified...

life changed... life moved...
I kept her knowing more n more...
I felt i am helping her... anyways...to let her life go right....
we never met...

than 1 day she called up...
telling me she knows me as well...
everything about me...
I heard the dirtiest words in my life...
I can feel the hatred in her heart..
I kept on telling her... but she knew me soo well!!!!
all those words I can never forget....

they runs through my mind on n off...
my soul asks me am I soo bad.. worthy of those words?????

I wanna meet you... see you and ask you....
do u really mean all that...

I still turns pages trying to know how she is doing?
is she well....
sometimes forgets myself, but never forget to turn her pages...

today I cant say 'i know her soo well'
but whenever we will meet, i will always have the same questions for u...
Did I ??

Are we Liberated?????

We have always heard about sati, female infanticide, child marriage, female deaths due to dowry and lots of such old customs that just move around the dilemmas in the life of women. 

But we say the Modern India has changed giving equal rights to women n men, making reservations for women in different fields, education for a girl child etc etc.

Still there is a question did we really have???

I myself come from a middle class society. As a girl child me and my sister were raised with same standards as our brother, went to same schools or colleges, given equal opportunity to prove ourselves and make our mark in this world.

But today where I stand looking around me I still feel there is a gap, a gap in our society considering the girl and the boy child or a man and a woman..

I belong to a family who are basically attached to their roots, though we been born and brought up in Delhi/NCR are given equal rights and education as my brother, I can see lots of my cousin sisters who are not.

It feels so awkward when I hear people around me talking about the primary work in girl's life is to be perfect in household work. There is no relevance to a girl's education, its just about getting her married by the age of 20 or even less. Its treated as a curse to a family if a girl is not married by the age of 25, with no respect to her achievements. Many of them might even be Mothers before 18.

Are we really giving equals rights to the Girl Child??????

This was still about the families which are based in rural areas, but even the cities which are considered to be the hub of Education in India. City in Uttar Pradesh which is a home of seven out of 14 Prime Ministers of India, or the cities that have the world's renowned education bodies.Its just in the blood.

The girls are brought up with the thought that their real house will be the one they will be married to. Govt. has passed a law that girls hold equal right to parents property as a boy child, but how many families really follow it, not even in the case when its the need of the hour. The ladies can't take a step beyond their husband's or should I say their MALIK's permission even if it just means meeting their near and dear ones.

Why are we giving such a bad name to the holy word "MARRIAGE"?

Even the 90% of the families in Metro have the same stories. We were sent to be the best schools, the so called convent education. But when it comes to marriage we will look for people in our own community or our own village. 

Once we were talking about a school friend, a professional, an independent lady married to a XXX. We brothers n sisters were discussing her and her marriage and had a common view that she should quit such a relationship when we heard the most weirdest of the thought from our dad. It just gave a impression what would have happen if I was in her place? The education, the rights does they all fail after marriage.

My parents take it as a pain if we get a gift for them as a girl child while anything from my brother is considered as their own. Will this mentality ever change?

Why even today parents seems more happy on the birth of a boy instead of a girl??

On one hand the girls are considered Durga n Laxmi but in the same land they are treated nothing more that servants with no right to speak.

Even the working women who work equally as a men, at the end of the day, they are expected to be perfect in their household core. Why is their a ego clash if a girl earns or she is more deserving than the guy?

Lastly a incident that brings my notice to this comaprision: There is a joke in our house that my parents made 3 floors in the house for each of their 3 children. Once someone from our family revised it once more and my Dad promptly said 'No all belongs to our son :)' Not sure if he means that as he has always showered all his wealth on each of us. Never ever said a 'NO' to anything weather its any of us.

But this small statement of his really fainted all the rights that we were given as a girl or a boy. We are all doing well in our lives, and don't think there will ever be a situation when we have to ask anything from him. courtesy the education he has given us, that made us grow as a independent women.

Things may have improved, but there still is a big RACE TO BE WON.

We say "Its a women who makes a house a home" Please respect that.

Can we as the maker of our new generation make it a promise to ourselves that a child is a child irrespective of their GENDER. PLEASE MAKE THEM FEEL SPECIAL AT EACH N EVERY STAGE OF LIFE. 

...................................

हमेशा से ज़िन्दगी में एक रिक्त स्थान रहा है.....

'अपने आपको व्यक्त करना', हमारी ज़िन्दगी में बहुत महत्वपूर्ण होता है,

यह बात में बहुत देर से समझी. अब लगता है जैसे शब्द ही नहीं हैं...

स्वार्थी, यह शब्द जैसे मेरी परिभाषा बन गया है.. 

सब अपने-२ रूप में मुझे इस अक्षर से पहचानते हैं..

बचपन से एक ही कोशिश रही सब काम दूसरों के लिए करूँ ताकि कोई स्वार्थी न कहे...

धीरे-२ शायद उससे में सब करना ही भूल गयी.. हाथ में कम्पन होता है जब कुछ अपने आप करो...

लेकिन जब इस मतलबी दुनिया को देखा की सब अपने लिए ही लड़ रहे हैं, तोह अजीब लगा...

हमेशा से एक ऐसे साथी की तलाश रही जो मेरे लिए भी कुछ करे..

लेकिन क्या में उसके लिए कुछ कर पाऊँगी.. गलत सही का मापदंड करते-२ अपना आत्मबल ही खो गया..

अजीब है सब कुछ.. लगता है जैसे कुछ तो नया है... 

बचपन की परिभाशयों पे अब सब हस्ते हैं.. और तुम अपने में ग्लानी करके बस सोचते रह जाते हो..

सब अजीब है.. कभी सोचा था कोई तोह होगा जिसे में यह सब बताउंगी..

जिसे में वोह सब कहूँगी जो अभी तक अपने से कहा था.. की में स्वार्थी नहीं हूँ..

लेकिन शायद अब ना अपने को व्यक्त ही करती हूँ, 

और इस झुंझलाहट में कहीं खो जाती हूँ..

आज जब वोह बोला 'क्यूँ है इतना स्वार्थ की में हमेशा अपनी जुबां चबाउन और तुम्हारी ही सुनता जाऊं'

तब लगा शायद यह ज़िन्दगी तोह निकल गयी..

ना अपने लिए ही किया, ना दूसरों के लिए...

अब सिर्फ एक रिक्त स्थान है................................................